Social network psychology for dummies

Keytar Platypus by tenso GRAPHICS

Probably you will all know the feeling: You agree to become Facebook or Google+ friends with someone you just met. Once befriended, you curiously check out the person’s profile, timeline or hangout and albums. Besides available profile data, social network data patterns can give away invaluable hidden psychological traits about that person.

Below is a list which may be indicative to specific psychological natures. Google+ users might want to use Google circles to correctly categorise friends or you might even see a pattern in your own postings.

Trait Symptoms
1 False popularity (Tendency to boast or show off): Heigh number of ‘friends’ vs. the average number of comments and likes
2 Narcissism: Hiding year of birth, heigh number of photo’s of self in albums
3 Female or gay narcissism: Heigh number of self photo’s
4 Narcissism by proxy: Heigh frequency of photo’s of friends, pets, children or partner
5 Extreme narcissism by proxy: Baby or pet has own account
6 Low empathy / Autism: Updates or invites mainly involve automated messages from gaming
7 Relational disorder: “Relation: It’s complicated”, traffic light relation status changes
8 Drinking problems Strange messages, complaints or insults to partner, frequent typos often late at night.
9 Attachment disorder: ‘Joined’ account with both names, usually controlled by one of the partners
10 Borderline personality disorder: Heigh frequency of profile photo changes
Frequent sudden activity after longer periods of inactivity.
11 Low self Esteem: Heigh ‘Like’-ing and commenting everything friends posts vs. low own message updates
Mainly showing shared things or pics which are commonly available
12 Hypochondriasis/Münchausen syndrome (Imaginary illnesses): Frequent complaints about one’s own bad health
13 Hypochondriasis/Münchhousen syndrome by proxy: Frequent worrying messages about the bad health of others
14 Greediness: Heigh number of messages and photo’s about things just purchased or wanna haves
15 Compulsive e-hoarding: Heigh percentage of status updates or album collections about a single subject which are publicly available such as art or ‘funny’ photo’s etc. vs. the lack of varying updates, especially those with personal information
16 Attention seeking: High frequency of status updates
17 Histrionic personality disorder (extreme attention seeking): Consistent self likes on status updates
18 Naive boasting: Location updates while on holiday
19 Naive attention seeking: Heigh percentage of posts to ‘like’ a common problem or cause, friends are well aware of
20 Attention seeking by proxy: Heigh number of funny or interesting but impersonal status messages/photo’s vs. a low number of personal ones
Like-ing comments for no other apperant reason than to be liked
21 Depression by proxy: Regular updates on celebs who died
Requests to like awareness campaigns, most  people are aware of
22 False happiness/life fulfillment: Regular frequency of telling how busy you are, but are looking forward to your next holiday in ……
23 Happiness/Life fulfillment: The number of hours not on social networks

Warning to hypochondriacs: The above list is inaccurate and is merely intended as gross exagguration. People with any serious  defect should consult a specialist.


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