I-nomad

Hotel lingo

Having stayed in hotels around the world throughout my life I came across a similar list which has been around for a long time and thought it needed some updating.
On the left a picture of the second worst room I stayed so far, which was in Holland.

Term Translation
Old world charm No bath
Classic Outdated
Tropical Rainy
Majestic setting A long way from town
Picturesque A Western invention to explain why the beer is two times the usual price
Family runned Pets begging at dinner
Guesthouse B&B
Pension B&B
Boutique hotel A term invented to upgrade the above without major investments
Boarding house B&B + lousy dinner
B&B Expensive alternative to ringing at a stranger’s door and asking to stay for the night
Hostel Hostile backpackers
Low budget Shared bathroom
Gasthaus The owner looks like a Nazi
Former state-owned Nothing has changed since then
Lodge Fan only, but no electricity
Condotel Accommodates expats, who came to the conclusion nobody can stand them
Inn Bar packed with local alco’s
Resort Attractive destination for queue-jumpers at buffets
Spa-Resort Invented when marketing people found out the wife is the decision-maker
All-inclusive Luxury prison
Extra All-inclusive An unsuccessful attempt to get rid of queue jumpers
Motel It’s not a porn movie the’re watching next door
Near the airport 1:30h drive from the city centre
Close to city centre 0:30h drive from the city centre
In city centre The city has different centres
Modern Decorated by IKEA
Rural Accommodates the only bar + restaurant in the area as well
Child friendly pool Pee water
Pool bar Pee water
Conveniently Price + 25%
Gay friendly Full star hotel, but usually not the stars you had in mind
Friendly staff Nosey
Options galore Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms Already occupied
Explore on your own Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip host Speaks some pidgin English
No extra fees No extras
Nominal fee Outrageous charge
Standard Sub-standard
Deluxe Standard
Superior One free shower cap
Executive Ridiculous fee, but allowed to bring prostitutes
Junior Not allowed to bring prostitutes
Dorm-room “Hey, pass me that joint”
All the amenities Two free shower caps
Plush Top and bottom sheets
***** ***
**** **
*** *
** No stars
* -1 star
Gentle breezes Occasional gale-force winds
Light and airy No air conditioning
Family destination Theme park nearby
Beach front Expect strangers peeking in
Sea view The remote blue spot
Pool view Chloride smell
Lake view Bring enough anti-mosquito spray
River view Allows you to notice that on the other side the hotels seem more attractive
Garden view The green patch in front of the traffic
Affordable rooms No view
Eco Economical

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